OI! You! If you just arrived here don't be thick and start from the bottom ok? Sorry, I didn't mean to shout at you, it's just that I have some artistic integrity, all right? I love you man, I am grateful for the time you are wasting reading my shit. Come on, give us a kiss, don't be like that.
Before I start, please let me get something out of my chest.
The Bible is an awful, awful book.
I gave up way before Jesus was born; the fact that I was going to have the story told FOUR TIMES didn’t help my motivation a tiny bit. I mean, come on, people. I am all for character development but… what the fuck is that? It’s not like the book was looking thin and the publisher needed some filler is it?
Couldn’t the evangelists agree on a common story? What happened to teamwork? Is it really that difficult sharing notes? Did you guys really have to write FOUR FUCKING BOOKS TELLING US THE SAME STORY????
I recon what happened was that at one point the evangelists started fighting over, a bit like Rock and Roll bands. Who knows, maybe they started all four of them being the best of friends. Just like the Beatles. Luke and John were the creative force, Mark was the ignored genius eclipsed by their shadow and Matthew the funny one who had no particular talent but added to the chemistry. I recon Mary Magdalene started shagging John and became their Yoko and when they split they all released separate albums that sounded exactly the same. Maybe Luke wrote a follow up that was a bit like Paul McCartney and the Wings and was, mercifully, lost forever in a fire or something.
Who knows. Maybe they hated each other from the beginning, just like the Gallagher brothers and Jesus got really pissed off with them because every time he spoke they would have arguments accusing the other ones of copying the notes they were talking. The Bible says they drank wine so alcohol might have made things a bit tense, a bit edgy. It doesn’t really matter. The book is fucked from the beginning anyway.
For those of you thinking of reading the Bible, a word of warning.
Generally speaking? Don’t do it.
Do you want to read it just for the fun of it? Forget it. Get the Harry Potter books. They will keep you busy about the same amount of time and they are way more interesting. There is like zero literary values in here. If you feel childish with that read Lord of the Rings.
You might want to be careful with that one if you loved the movies by the way, the book is way better.
Do you wanna read the Bible because you have found God already? Don’t. Seriously dude, don’t. You found the old man, don’t jeopardise that. I am looking for God myself here so I know what I am talking about, I can appreciate what you have. Reading that book is not going to make you love God anymore than you do now. Much to the contrary, you might have second thoughts about the whole thing. Look dude, it will be like, you have this great girlfriend ok? You have been together a long time and you know, you just know she is The One for you.
Well, dude, I am gonna sound patronizing but it is for a good cause:
DO NOT FUCKING PROPOSE HER TO HAVE A THREESOME WITH HER BEST FRIEND, OK?
Dude, bad move. And reading the Bible if you are already a Christian is a bit like that. If you have enough faith to believe in God, just believe in this dego motherfucker that is trying to reach your soul. Don’t. Nothing good will come of it, especially if you are the one in a million who proposes that to his girlfriend and has her answering back “that is a really cool idea, because I don’t fancy renting a movie tonight. Let me give her a call see if she is busy
Shit. I am sorry reader; I don’t know where that came from because it has nothing to do with what I was talking about. Just ignore me. It’s just that I like talking about threesomes. Maybe a bit too much. Any excuse is good for me.
Let’s avoid this kind of distraction in the future, ok readers? If you ever see the word “lesbian” on screen just stop reading and save me some embarrassment.
Anyway: where was I? I remember now. The Bible. Do not read it if you are a Christian already, you might end up having second thoughts. Lesbian.
Hey! Just kidding readers! Checking you were paying attention here.
By the way, thank you for keeping reading. Your loyalty warms my beaten heart.
Do you want to read the Bible because you are looking for God?
Don’t. No way. There is NO WAY a normal person will find Him there. And by normal I mean “able to read”.
That book is contradictory as fuck. You really can justify anything with it. It is all over the shop. It is in such dire need of some professional editing that I cannot believe the sales these guys have had. Yes, there are some common threads running through the thing, kinda keeping it all together. Mostly two:1.- Be careful with God because he will fuck you over.
Now, how is that gonna make me want to have anything to do with him? I mean, this God guy according to the Bible has some pretty serious anger management issues here people. I have had to deal with some mad bastards in my time but compared to this guy they were such a bunch of pussycats! He’ll evict you, flood you, petrify you, send you all sorts of plagues and diseases and shit, ask you to kill your firstborn, dump your wife, marry a new one, build a friggin’ boat, blow trumpets to a wall... What the fuck???? Even when he decides to give you a break and get you out of Egypt he will not take the short route. Oh no. You will have to walk for forty years. Gee, thanks God. Next time we’ll make sure we pray to that Greek fella from Easyjet.
Bit too much orange for my taste but at least he’ll get you there.
When I was 6 I had a turtle. You know how kids are with animals, they will do nasty things to them. Without malice, but they will get nasty. Well, I tell you, nothing, nothing I ever did to that turtle was even close to what God does to his people in that book. Even considering that turtles are pretty indestructible as pets come.2.- God really, really, REALLY likes Israeli people
I don’t think I can exaggerate that too much. I mean, God, I am not even gonna ask you where do you go for holidays, ok? I know. I guessed it man, I have a brain. You thought the Americans liked the Israelis? Shit man, compared to this guy they are their bloody enemies, I tell you. God is like all over them.
Ah reader. Don’t even start thinking I am being anti-Semitic here, all right? For a start I have Jewish blood running through my veins pal. Forget it because this is not the point I am trying to make at all. I am not blaming the Jews for anything here. If God liked them so much, what were they supposed to do, ignore him? Hardly. This is not like, you have a drunken twat that wants to have a dance in a nightclub, this is like heavy duty, restraining order kind of stalking. He just won’t leave ‘em alone. I actually feel a lot of sympathy for the poor buggers.
That surprises me. You have a God, who creates the universe and mankind and everything and wants us all to live according to his wishes and all that. You would imagine he would have made himself a bit more… I don’t know: AVAILABLE MAYBE???
What are you playing at man? You have a whole planet full of people and you obsess with 12 tribes? What’s that all about? If you don’t want to put the effort, fine, go to China. You are not gonna get a much bigger audience anywhere! I mean, seriously guys, how screwed up is that?
If it was a case of God not paying any attention to the Eskimos for example, I would understand. In the bigger scheme of things there are not those many of them and, quite frankly, they do live in the sticks. Oh by the way, Eskimo civilization: if you live on a big plain covered in snow and want God to notice you, you might want to live in houses that are NOT BLOODY WHITE. Doesn’t make it that easy to see you from above does it?
So yeah, I would understand God ignoring them at least for a while. It’s not a nice thing to do but I can see where He is coming from there. But what about everybody else? Because this guy is all about Israelis this Israelis that, and Samson don’t get a haircut and Abraham come here 'cos we need to talk and Moses hold these tables for me buddy. As far as he is concerned the rest of mankind was, I don’t know: boring?
Well, maybe you didn’t like hanging out with them but, come on man, you have gone way beyond funny. Why on Earth didn’t you reveal yourself to the Egyptians? They were alrite, nice guys, good for a laugh. Yeah, maybe there took their comics too seriously but come on, are we geeks not worthy of Your Eternal Grace?
And did you really have to let them build the fucking pyramids? For nothing? Dude, that is not funny! Do you realise the effort they put on them? Did the Israelis ever built anything like that for you? What about the Greeks, the Assyrians the Persians, the Aztecs, the... I don’t know, everyone, EVERYONE. That’s not right man. If you cannot see it by Yourself I don’t know what else to tell You.
So no, I didn’t finish the Bible. Maybe it’s like watching The Usual Suspects: it starts kind of slow, drags along for a bit and just when you are thinking of changing the tape you go “WOW! What happened there!?!?”
and by the end you are hooked and the last two minutes totally make up for any slow bits earlier on. Maybe the Apocalypse rocks and I missed the point completely. I don’t know, if you have made it to the end please tell me. Don’t worry about spoiling the ending by the way; that is a book I am not going to try and read it again.
Maybe if they make a movie I’ll rent it though.